In less than a month I’ll be 26 years old; and now I start thinking that maybe, just maybe I’ll not life forever.  People that are dear do me have died recently, I burry them, mutter their loss and kept trying to live my life on a good respectful and honorable way.
Before this things happened I would always feel (despise thinking differently) that; yes this stuff happen but it will never strike my core friends or family. Now I put my own end of life into perspective.  My Father was 68 years old when he died, I’ll be at that same age in about 42 years, seems quite a long time, but 26 have passed and I still don’t realize that now I’m a man (whatever that means), a adult, now I need to make my living, to build something, to keep a shelter, but something is missing.

A MEANING. I don’t know when it happened or how but in some ways I lost the will to live. Don’t know if it was the deceptions I took and gave, the easy life with all I could ask for, the disbelief in my own self, the incredulity, skepticism and mistrust on the world.  Something occurred that is beyond my understanding that led me to a inertia that is winning its way over me almost every day. I keep saying tomorrow it will change, tomorrow I’ll arise, and revolutionize all this, but it never happens.

I also ask myself. What kind of meaning for my life am I searching for? A wife, a child, all my kindred and lifeline? When I’m not even sure of my ancestry and where I’m coming from. A mix of Celts, Arabs and Romans but I lack the strength of those long gone. Or do I need an aim, an objective that is higher than my own life, something I would be will to die for?

I’m not sure of many things… and I need to accept what I cannot change, and dare to change what I can, and have the courage and strength to surface from this puddle of mud I staked my head into and make a difference. And it will start today!